The further from Eva's death I get, the harder it seems to become reconciled to it. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had. I feel as though I will slowly become engulfed by despair. I am struggling mightily with the two who remain, with work, with managing a family and a house and trying to earn my keep, but no matter. She's who I want.
Eva, what I wouldn't do to have you back. I finally sent myself a photo of you that I took on my phone. Your eyes are open and I am afraid I might lose the phone and thus lose forever the one picture of your open eyes that I think we have. I've never felt so close to the edge of breaking.
This started as an online journal in early 2006. At the time, it was a carefree spot for silly diatribes and the occasional photo. Since then, I got pregnant with mono.amniotic mono.chorionic twins, learned one of our daughters had a heart defect, spent 11 weeks in a hospital room and 29 more days with Eva in the NICU and PICU before losing her. We have two children who are alive and thriving and one who didn't make it. For me, this has become that place in between.
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