Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Your Eyes and Mine

My mother says I'm torturing myself by not letting go. Maybe that's true. But I keep finding new ways to unfold the soul of you that I carry. I keep raking through new and old forms of grief and I don't want to let you go. I want to finally peel back the covers to the place where you are and I cannot accept that it doesn't exist. It is harder to live without you than it was 6 months ago. I didn't know when you died that I would never see your real eye color. I didn't realize that we 5 people, my precious family were never physically together. I never had that precious moment of holding both my babies together.

Monday, I realized that I have a photo of you on my phone, which would be lost if the phone were ever lost. So, I e-mailed it to myself and I found that in that photo, your precious eyes were open. It is probably the only photo of you with your eyes open. I want to dissolve into its pixels.

Today I saw an article that said that the US ranks last amongst industrialized nations in healthcare. I wanted to read it but couldn't. All I could think of was you. Today I also learned that a coworker's daughter is named Evelyn. I immediately thought....Evalyn.

My mom always tries to suggest that you would not have been healthy if you'd lived. NONSENSE! In my heart, you would have been the beauty and light that the girl is. It is nothing short of cruelty and misery that has taken you from us. And anyway, maybe it's not logical but I would do anything to have you in any form. I didn't think that before, but ...

I wonder what the purpose of your life was and what good will come of it. Part of me thinks that nothing good can come of your death. But you did live for a time and nothing bad can come of that.

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